I am breaking my own internet time restriction rule to write this. Copied from my paper journal, which I just wrote this in, with some additions made during rewrite.
Just like in 2019, I find myself sitting in this same room-- thinking of Moab and Buddhism and the stress and pain that is present here where I'm at now. I am unchanged and changed at the same time. Unlike before, I've been to Moab now, and seen exactly what is there. The edge of the world is also the center, and experienced pain simply goes with me. You've probably heard the phrase "Wherever you go, there you are."
Am I circling a whirlpool about to be dragged under and crushed by the pressure, or do I stand at the entrance to a grand golden gate, the other side of which has wonders that I cannot comprehend from my current vantage? Or are my attempts to fit narrative to my feelings and experience futile-- the machinations of a mind trying to make sense of things that have either not happened for a reason or for reasons beyond my understanding? Does any of it matter?
I fear the pain and the slow decay of staying where I am at. I grieve even now for the friendships I might lose if I leave-- and that I might have no way, and no where, to return to in this city if I were to walk out one more time.
But I am weary-- I can't see going on like this 'forever' nor do I even feel like going on 'like this' today is a great option, caught in a swirl of other people's problems. (But that is a situation that can happen no matter where I go) I don't feel like where I am now can last-- Nor do I see my wealth being great enough to 'advance' to home ownership, or even renting a room. My three year experiment career has thus far resulted in a jaded view of the indie publishing industry and a trickle of income barely sufficient to feed and clothe myself. Even if I had 'made it' would I feel any different on the inside?
I don't just have my skin in the game here, living my life-- I have my very life and myself on the line. This may all seem childish to the reader-- but it all matters a whole lot to me! At least now, while it's all fresh in mind. In a decade I may look back and think that I was a fool-- that I focused in the wrong areas, and so on. Isn't that how it always goes?
Who does not experience some anxiety and worry about the future sometimes? Only a Buddha.
Regardless of my thoughts of the future-- what to do now? Be persistently mindful that this is only the starting point of the rest of my life. My journey doesn't end here in this place, among these people and these problems. My mental state does not end here, wrapped in this anxiety and concern. This is all temporary.
I must remind myself that I am just passing through. Both this place, and this life overall. Smile! These problems are not yourself. They can be dropped. The underlying causes can be cut. You are not tied to these worldly concerns very tightly: your property is little, you have no land, no wife, no children to truly keep you from taking flight if you so choose.
In the end I am only human.
In terms of more concrete action: keep the Precepts, meditate, study, save your money for essentials, and thin down your acquisitions and possessions to the minimum. No matter what comes, or what I choose or don't choose, all this will be for my benefit. Even with this, I've typed this entry up because I don't plan on keeping the paper journal around. One more thing to manage.
I'm so tired of managing things.
Each possession is a string--
it makes demands of me, even as I demand of it--
entertain me, maintenance me, store me, clean me.
I am bound up in so many strings--
feeling their knots.
Yearning to be more free.
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