zazen under duress

 In times of great distress, nothing helps more than one's own mind. When I am unwell, it is all the more important to be able to sit in zazen and let that in and of itself work on me. This helps. Especially when I feel pulled around emotionally by things I can't predict or control. There is nothing to be done anyway, so why not sit with it, to wait for the unpleasant feelings to untangle all on their own?

 In short, I am unhappy right now. For the moment. Not forever.

だめだよ

 Maybe this situation was never stable. It was never built on cooperation and trust: but the ugly mutual survival and dependency that is now showing it's stained and broken teeth. Except for rare visits to my friends, I am in a sort of survival and standby mode. No one is checking on me. No one is checking to see that I'm cared for. My own gestures toward my roommates seem to go unappreciated most of the time. I thought... I don't know what I thought. This would be temporary. Dad would come back. I would make more money than I have. None of that feels true in the moment. Except the money, that's ok. Not enough to live like people expect, but I get to eat.

This is the same pain from a few years ago, built of similar circumstances. I don't know what the next move is. For now I just need to get some sleep...

unhardened heart

 At night when all is quiet, and I have time alone, I feel my heart get a bit softer-- the hard crust of the troubles of the day breaks away, revealing what is underneath.

lots of stitching (clothes)

 I have gotten a handful of slightly used kimono via ebay and am working on converting them into things to wear. Simplicity, durability, mobility, flexibility-- clothing should have all these characteristics. Regular kimono, as a tube-wrap type garment are very lacking in the mobility and flexibility department. Basically, hemming them up, altering the sleeves, use different belts, fixes these issues.

Stitch by stitch and row by row. It distracts me from other troubles on my mind. I wish things were more peaceful here.

Summer fades into color and wind...

 Summer fades into color and wind.

I consider why I am here, why I might stay for the winter.

I have no good reason, other than it's where I'm already at, and that's ok.

I feel like so much of 'who I am' or 'who I was' has crumbled away in the past decade.

I did not seriously reflect, I could not-- I had not gotten the life experience yet:

to contemplate what I say in my teenage years,

That, "These years may be the best of my life."

In some ways, they were, but only because I was a blank slate in many ways.

I have been thinking lately, philosophically, on what it might mean to be a ronin,

a 'wave man.' A person without much purpose, or at least,

existing outside the usual hierarchies and structures of society.

Perhaps not 'outside,' I don't think there is an outside,

a better phrase would be 'on the edges of society.'

Similar in feeling to a person sitting on the edge of a cliff:

A wonderful view, a nice breeze, but no certainty in the ground underneath oneself.

The biggest danger is the other people close to the cliff-- they might push or shove, and without

meaning to, I or they might fall off and be hurt.

Standing at the edge of the rest of my life,

joyous at heart, but also alone, with some amount of melancholy,

can I let go? Sit and be ok, with not amounting to much?

I love to lay in the sun and watch the clouds,

to rest by cool river waters,

to watch the ravens fly over the canyon,

yet being alone feels so painful.

But alone is not forever-- and pain is not endless.

Joyous in this retreat, yet still feeling melancholy,

can I train to endure and overcome my own suffering?

Love and hate do still matter,

even though I'm here alone--

because it's what is in the heart that matters.

We carry antidotes and poisons in our every day minds-- I do whatever I do to myself.

But I can still sit quietly and alone,

and watch the fire burn low,

as I listen to the sound of the rain,

late in this autumn evening.

 

 If I cannot 'self-start', or find my own motivation, I will forever be tossed about on the worldly winds. Going in your own direction is the benefit of discipline and discipline simply means choosing the same over and over even if it hurts sometimes. This requires the ability to rationalize-- a double edged sword.