Wrong View and Wrong View

 Your vision of the world is at odds with how things actually are. Your vision of the world is at odds with how the world actually is. This is what is called in buddhism ignorance, or delusion: which is the foundation of wrong view.

What view is right then? I will answer a little, as best I can. Getting more pleasure will never lead to happiness. Satisfying a craving will not end craving in general. The world is insatiable, a slave to craving. People grieve because of acquisitions.

The view that cuts out craving is right view. The view that prioritizes happiness and well-being over pleasure is right view. Seeing the world as it is-- made of suffering, impermanence, and non-self, this is right view. Seeing the pain inherent in further becoming, that is right view.

Hilltop hut

Secluded in this hilltop hut,

Surrounded by gentle rain and tiny birds,

I unpack my mind

bit by bit,

until the work is done.

maple beat

 Under the autumn maple,

halfway between beginnings and endings

leaves fall, some now, some later

all the time, every last one.

Feeling the ending of this,

can you dance to the spring of a new beginning?

Morning time

Cross-legged on thin cushion

in third watch of the night,

cold autumn air.

The sun's halo rises in the distance

warmth like honey seeps into my clothes.

fade in, fade out

thoughtless whimsy dreams.

--

Under warm covers

restless daybreak,

cold autumn air.

Rooster shrieks in judgement, I'm late!

but so tired...

fade in, fade out,

empty things

thoughtless whimsy dreams.

zazen under duress

 In times of great distress, nothing helps more than one's own mind. When I am unwell, it is all the more important to be able to sit in zazen and let that in and of itself work on me. This helps. Especially when I feel pulled around emotionally by things I can't predict or control. There is nothing to be done anyway, so why not sit with it, to wait for the unpleasant feelings to untangle all on their own?

 In short, I am unhappy right now. For the moment. Not forever.

だめだよ

 Maybe this situation was never stable. It was never built on cooperation and trust: but the ugly mutual survival and dependency that is now showing it's stained and broken teeth. Except for rare visits to my friends, I am in a sort of survival and standby mode. No one is checking on me. No one is checking to see that I'm cared for. My own gestures toward my roommates seem to go unappreciated most of the time. I thought... I don't know what I thought. This would be temporary. Dad would come back. I would make more money than I have. None of that feels true in the moment. Except the money, that's ok. Not enough to live like people expect, but I get to eat.

This is the same pain from a few years ago, built of similar circumstances. I don't know what the next move is. For now I just need to get some sleep...

unhardened heart

 At night when all is quiet, and I have time alone, I feel my heart get a bit softer-- the hard crust of the troubles of the day breaks away, revealing what is underneath.

lots of stitching (clothes)

 I have gotten a handful of slightly used kimono via ebay and am working on converting them into things to wear. Simplicity, durability, mobility, flexibility-- clothing should have all these characteristics. Regular kimono, as a tube-wrap type garment are very lacking in the mobility and flexibility department. Basically, hemming them up, altering the sleeves, use different belts, fixes these issues.

Stitch by stitch and row by row. It distracts me from other troubles on my mind. I wish things were more peaceful here.