I am so tired of this dusty every-day experience. I feel like a yellowed leaf already curling on the branch, like I could fall at any moment. I've tasted so many things, so many things-- over and over: 'this is the best life can give. This is as good as it gets.' I've told myself that, in regard to sensual pleasures and living in the world, over and over.
Why do I only feel ok when my mind is focused on the dhamma?
Your vision of the world is at odds with how things actually are. Your vision of the world is at odds with how the world actually is. This is what is called in buddhism ignorance, or delusion: which is the foundation of wrong view.
What view is right then? I will answer a little, as best I can. Getting more pleasure will never lead to happiness. Satisfying a craving will not end craving in general. The world is insatiable, a slave to craving. People grieve because of acquisitions.
The view that cuts out craving is right view. The view that prioritizes happiness and well-being over pleasure is right view. Seeing the world as it is-- made of suffering, impermanence, and non-self, this is right view. Seeing the pain inherent in further becoming, that is right view.
Secluded in this hilltop hut,
Surrounded by gentle rain and tiny birds,
I unpack my mind
bit by bit,
until the work is done.
Under the autumn maple,
halfway between beginnings and endings
leaves fall, some now, some later
all the time, every last one.
Feeling the ending of this,
can you dance to the spring of a new beginning?
Cross-legged on thin cushion
in third watch of the night,
cold autumn air.
The sun's halo rises in the distance
warmth like honey seeps into my clothes.
fade in, fade out
thoughtless whimsy dreams.
--
Under warm covers
restless daybreak,
cold autumn air.
Rooster shrieks in judgement, I'm late!
but so tired...
fade in, fade out,
empty things
thoughtless whimsy dreams.
In times of great distress, nothing helps more than one's own mind. When I am unwell, it is all the more important to be able to sit in zazen and let that in and of itself work on me. This helps. Especially when I feel pulled around emotionally by things I can't predict or control. There is nothing to be done anyway, so why not sit with it, to wait for the unpleasant feelings to untangle all on their own?
